“Pornhub Valentine’s Day Album” EP Review

Hello, I’m MusiCommentator, and I better put an NSFW warning in the beginning here just based off the fact that this album is made by…well…you can see the title.

If there is one thing I never, ever thought would happen, it would be Pornhub making an album (or an EP).  I mean, I shouldn’t have to give any background on the artist here: we all know what Pornhub is and does–if you don’t, then you probably aren’t old enough to be reading the review, so turn this off and go play Fortnite or something.  This isn’t the first time I have run into corporations creating trendy music to make a quick buck, though.  I reviewed Wendy’s “We Beefin?” EP a while back, and if you read that review, you know that I scored that project quite abysmally.  However, this Pornhub EP might be different.  First of all, the purpose for their creations are different.  Sure, the root of it all is purely money, but Wendy’s did theirs because of their popularity on Twitter, while Porbhub created this for Valentine’s Day (because, you know, when I think of Pornhub, I think of “true love”).  Also, Wendy’s had one faceless female artist rap all of their tracks, while Pornhub shelled out some cash to get some big names on this project, from Lil Xan to frickin’ 6ix9ine.  So, it may be a bit past Valentine’s Day, but I think I still have time to listen to this EP and see what Pornhub has to offer…besides what’s usually offer us, of course.

 

Song Synopses:

#1: Pornhub Valentine (Intro Skit) (by Blac Chyna)

Blac Chyna is one of those promiscuous social media celebrities in the same vein as the Kardashians, so Pornhub decided to use her to give them an intro skit (even though this EP only has five other songs).  I mean, this isn’t really a song, so there’s not too much I can say about it, but some of the things she says on here are quite hilarious.  Of course, she has to have a reference to the Pornhub site on here, and the way she goes about it is laughable.  I’m not going to waste time on this, though.  Let’s get to the real songs.

#2: Right Now (by PnB Rock)

PnB Rock is the only artist on this EP that I listen to outside of this project, so looking at the tracklist, this was the only song I was slightly looking forward to.  But, quite predictably, PnB sounds like he did this just for the check.  The chorus sounds like one of the most generic PnB Rock choruses of all time, and the one verse he gives doesn’t help much either.  The beat is generic as well, and there is this one brass section in the verse that sounds like it’s offbeat from the rest of the track, so that definitely doesn’t make this any better.  This was the one track I was hoping to like, so the fact that it turned out this bad makes me anxious for what’s to come.

#3: Lanes (by Lil AK & 6ix9ine)

Out of all the people featured on this project, 6ix9ine was the artist I was most surprised about.  That doesn’t mean that I like this song, though.  In fact, it’s exceptionally terrible.  I made it quite clear in my Top 10 WORST Singles of 2018 list that 6ix9ine does not mesh well with the dancehall/new-Caribbean style music that’s been popular, so of course, this song is like that.  The beat is almost the exact same as “BEBE”, making this track sound just as soulless as that one, and both artists on here are in a battle to see whose voice sounds the worst.  With a song that has a beat like this one, you would expect the lyrics to be a bit romantic, but the sexual explicitness and misogyny of these lyrics are more blunt than a Pornhub video.  Let’s hope 6ix9ine stays locked up for a long time so we don’t have to hear more music like this.

#4: Shake It (by Lil Xan)

Much like 6ix9ine, Lil Xan is not a stranger to this blog, as his horrid “TOTAL XANARCHY” was featured on my Top 5 WORST Albums Of 2018 list and his single “Watch Me Fall” did not earn a favorable review from me.  On this track, he attempts to make a stripper anthem, but it falls on its face horribly.  The beat is too gritty and aggressive to be good in a club, and embarrassing lines in the hook like “Just suck my d*ck and it go splat, whoa” make this unplayable in a public setting.  Also, he continues to partake in one of my musical pet peeves, which is putting “deep”, emo lines right next to brag lines.  A good example is when he talks about “digging his own grave” right after bragging about Louis belts and Gucci glasses.  Plus, this is supposed to be a stripper song, so why does he even have these fake-deep lyrics in here anyways?  Gosh, I’m sick of talking about Lil Xan on this blog.

#5: Truth (by Asian Doll)

Asian Doll is one of the artists on this EP that I am only vaguely familiar with, and I have to say, after this song, I probably won’t be looking her up any time soon.  This song is supposed to be this album’s excuse of giving the “female perspective” for this album, but it pretty much sounds like every other song on here.  Asian Doll tries to show the connection she and this unnamed man have with each other, but it’s hard to take her seriously when she says things like “Even though he make my p*ssy puddle up, uh/Even though he make my p*ssy water up”.  I swear, if a girl ever says that to me in the middle of sex, I’m leaving her.  It doesn’t help, either, that her voice is grating and she goes off topic in the verses.  So, yeah, another bad track.  Is this thing almost over?

#6: In The Bag (by 24hrs & MadeinTYO)

Fortunately, this is the last track on the EP.  Unfortunately, this is the most boring track on the EP.  24hrs and MadeinTYO are brothers in real life, so I had some hope that their chemistry would make this track interesting.  However, they have so much chemistry with one another that you can’t even tell them apart.  When I first listened to this song, I thought it was one person singing the whole time.  Also, I’m someone who likes autotune, especially when it’s used creatively, but it is so overused in this song that it sounds annoying.  I almost never say that autotune is bad, so that proves how awful it is on this song.  As expected, the lyrics are nothing special, and the beat isn’t either, so there is nothing captivating about this song, making it a boring track that I will never listen to again.

 

Summary: 

This EP is exactly what I expected it to be: a soulless cash grab that has almost no redeeming qualities about it.  For being made by Pornhub, the biggest online porn site, not one of these songs sounds romantic or even remotely sexy.  I could never see anyone “getting down” with any of these songs in the background.  These songs are so unsexy that they would probably make a man go flacid.  There isn’t a single beat on here that doesn’t sound generic, and all of the guests were obviously there for the check.  There are many love songs in this world that are totally uninspired, and this EP is further proof that you cannot make romantic or sexy songs without any emotions behind them.

Now comes the hard part–I have to say my favorite song.  None of these are good, but I guess I have to say “Right Now”.  I’m a fan of PnB Rock, so I like his voice (which is something I cannot say for everyone on here), and most of his other songs are romantic, so he sounds like he knows what he’s doing.  Still, the word “favorite” in this case is being used very, very comparatively.  The worst track on here is easily “Lanes”, as everything about the song is irritating: the beat, the lyrics, the voices, the delivery, and the fact that it exists.

Overall, I would give this a 1 out of 10.  Do you agree?

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